Ok, advertising america...I don't give a damn about your washed up and wrinkly sports legends. Using them in your commercials is not going to convince me to buy your product. In fact, it will cause me to avoid your product like the plague, almost as much as I would avoid it if it dealt with sports in general.

Example 1: The American Standard Heating and Air Conditioing commercial

In this commercial we are promptly introduced to Nolan Ryan, a sports figure that is so well known that even a generally non athletic person such as myself actually recognized him. He explains about the great ethical practices of American Standard and tells you why you should buy the product ending with the HORRIFIC phrase "And lower you utility bills". That's right...we certainly need to know it will LOWER YOU UTILITY bills. He is so damned expensive to use that they couldn't recap and have him say "Lower your utility bills." 

Ok, so you have the highest Career Strikeout record of any MLB player, I respect this...that's quite a feat. But what the FUCK does it have to do with heating and air conditioning? Did you get fired from a job as an air conditioner technician and aspire to get into baseball? If so...why on EARTH would I care what your opinion is on the company? I bet you don't even know what HVAC unit supplied your unit...do you? Now...had they used whoever holds the highest rank in the HVAC field, I would respect it. I wouldn't know who you are but I would research it. But since I am a dumb, sports worshipping handy man who loves baseball I MUST have American Standard as my HVAC because Nolan Ryan uses it! Not to mention that he teaches our children wonderful grammar lessons.

Example 2: The Blackmon Mooring AC specialists comercials (strange pattern, eh?)

In this commercial we are introduced to Daryl "Moose" Johnston, it even has to tell you under his name that he was a fullback for the Dallas Cowboys. He is dressed in all black including a black stocking cap which means his entire body is covered with black except his face...yes even his hands. He tells you how wonderful it is to use Blackmon Mooring for all your HVAC needs because they are guaranteed to show up in an hour or less regardless of the time. Honestly...that is enough for me to be impressed with these people.

We then show a housewife on the phone wearing a full pantsuit like one might find her wearing in the office even though the commercial seems to give off the impression that it is almost midnight. Does this lady work so much that she has to sleep in her work clothes? If she didn't even take off her shoes she would have a very uncomfortable husband, but I digress. We go back to the "Moose" who is standing by the outside unit as the Blackmon Mooring truck shows up. He looks at his watch and quips "Right On Time..." The lady then speaks to the technician THROUGH HER WINDOW...while Daryl cowers in the dark and the technician explains that someone loosened her suction lines. She exasperatedly thanks the man as he leaves and we see good Ol' Moose HOLDING A PIPE WRENCH BEHIND HIS BACK!

Ok...does anyone see a problem with this...Gee...lets just have some football star who played with the Dallas Cowboys look like a thief with a fucking wrench in his hands. If I saw that dude, football star or not, crouching around my property in all black I would have already fired a warning shot and call the cops. I suppose workaholic mom who is too afraid to let the AC man in her house after midnight but is still wearing her work clothes decided she would blindly call Blackmon Mooring. But what about the Moose? Well...if your six figure income goes away and you have nothing better to do to than creep out at night and damange peoples' AC units then you are already in a SAD state. But what if a kid decides that he is madly in love with the plays that Moose did while on the field and decides to research for more information on him. They see their hero breaking people's AC's and my what a WONDERFUL message to deliver to aspiring athletes. We already have some kid somewhere who emulates Michael Vick by starting a Dog-Fighting ring with his Nintendogs and friends...

Media whores...why don't you just make REAL commercials that actually talk about the product and don't depend on big name celebrities to support them. I would be impressed as hell if a commercial was honest and said something like "This product might cause harm to you if you use it incorrectly but if you use it right, here is what will happen." As untrusting as I am of commercials, I would almost think its a joke and that fact is frightening. I miss 80's commercials...Mr. Clean was a REAL guy in those days...

If you live in any metropolitan area, go drive to an area where new houses were being built and take a long hard look at the cute litte subdivision. Do you notice something? All the houses look EXACTLY the same, all the way up to the SUV parked in the driveway. What the hell is wrong with America? Has the world forgotten originality? Seriously.

One of the biggest things that America stands for and was built around was being independent but this seems to no longer be the case. Any new subdivision nowadays looks like an apartment with its own driveway, the houses are the same...cookie cutter boxes...no real character...just a red brick thing with a two car garage. I think this just goes to show you that everyone wants their own piece of the American dream even if it means to blindly follow the herd and not exercise their freedom of originality.

What's worse? I bet that inside those houses, lots of people have the same stuff as their neighbor does. Gotta keep up with the Jones's you know. If John Jones buys a 240 FT Flat Screen HDTV, then Richard Hones next door has to have one too. We are a fucked up and materialistic culture. I mean...I am certainly not without sin in this case but when I chose my house, I made sure to get something that was different enough that not every other house will look just like it. But still...that is not what most people do. 

I have even heard a story where a guy put himself over $350,000 in debt so he could live like his next door neighbor...he was leasing a BMW and charging all of his payments to a credit card, he bought a house with a sub prime mortgage even though he KNEW he couldn't afford it, he bought almost everything he had with credit. Then, he exhausted his credit and soon thereafter lost his job. Now he was being foreclosed on, lost everything he owned and was a bankruptcy statistic. Why? Because he HAD to have what everyone else had.

Please people! For God's sakes, don't go out and work yourself into a ton of debt to afford a plastic life. If you don't like your situation, do what you can to change it, easy enough. Besides...why on earth would anyone want to be JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? What is the point? Every human is unique and their life is a symphony in the making. DON'T FOLLOW THE PLASTIC SUPERMODEL!